The Kona Interview

Today I'm very excited to have Kona here for an interview. Kona doesn't get to have his say in the What the Dog Ate, so it was nice to sit down and chat with him and see what makes the big guy tick. So, let's get started.

Q. Hi Kona. Welcome to the blog. Let's start with some basics. What breed of dog are you?

A. I’m a chocolate Lab. I am very handsome. My Momma says so.

Q. Are you a purebred dog?

A. No. Why would you ask that? Do I look doughy? Are you suggesting I'm a flabrador? I think I’m kind of muscle-y. I mean, I’m not pure muscle, but I have a lot of muscle. I do have some doughy parts, but man. Pure bread. I like bread, don’t get me wrong, but that just seems like a mean question. [Looks down and shakes head.] [Muttering] If this is how this interview is going to be, I'm outta here. I thought this was going to be a puff piece. Man, talk about hard-hitting questions.

Q. No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. You’re very muscular! [Kona sits up and smiles.] I meant, you know – where did you come from. Do you have papers?

A. [Tilts head.] Papers? You mean like the papers you pee on? I haven't done that since I was a puppy. Geez. What is this??

Q. No, not those kind of papers. What I mean is, do you know who your mom and dad were.

A. Oh, that! Oh, no; I do not know who my dad was. I'm sure he was big and strong. I don't remember that much, but when I was a puppy, my bio logical mama and my brothers and sisters and me lived with a fawster mama. I remember being in a small area with my brothers and sisters, and then my Momma came in—my real Momma—with my Daddy and she picked me up. I remember I had my head in the food bowl at the time. Momma patted my full tummy, and I licked her nose. We fell in love. They took me home.  

Q. Did you miss your brothers and sisters?

A. Only until dinner time. Then I realized I had the food bowl all to myself! It was pawesome!

Q. Where do you sleep?

A. In the bed! What a silly question. 

Q. And you enjoy that?

A. Did Lassie save Timmy when he fell in the well? Duh! What kind of question is that? Of course I enjoy it. I enjoy it even more now, because it is just Momma and me. I like that. I can stretch out now. It used to be a bit more crowded, but Daddy does not sleep in the bed with us anymore. I don’t know why.

Q. What is your favorite food?

A. Oh, wow. Can I have a minute? I need to think about this one. Um . . . I’m going to say . . . Treats. No, wait . . . cheese. Yeah, definitely cheese. Or . . . STEAK! OK, yeah, steak is my final answer.

Q. Are you generally an indoor or outdoor dog?

A. I’d say out— No! Bacon!! BACON is my favorite food! How could I forget bacon?? Is it too late to change my answer? No? OK, good. Because it’s bacon. I recently discovered bacon, and it is the most pawesome thing ever. Anyway, um, [stops to lick lips] what was the question? Oh, yeah—outdoors definitely. I mean, not like for sleeping or anything like that, because sleeping is for indoors. You need to be near your Momma when you are sleeping. But otherwise, I like to be outside. I like to watch the world go by and think about stuff.

Q. What do you think about?

A. Stuff.

Q. Favorite activity?

A. Walkies. Or eating. Or eating things I find while we are on walkies.

Q. Favorite thing to chew?

A. Bacon. Didn’t we already do this question? Oh, wait, you mean, like, to chew but not to swallow? [Wrinkles forehead.] Um . . . I dunno. I swallow most stuff that I chew. Um, shoes I guess, like especially athletic shoes because the leather has a nice give to it, and they retain the Momma’s sweat and that gives them more flavor.

Q. What are your thoughts on training?

A. What is that? Tray-ning? This is not a word that I know. I’m sorry. Next question.

Q. What do you think about baths?

A. Baths are not good. I do not like them. I do not like to smell like . . . flowers or fruit. I like to smell like dawg. Or like dead things, seaweed, worms, that sorta thing. The water part is OK, but the soapy part is not good. And it does not taste good either. The drying off part is fun though. I like to shake all over Momma and then I like when she puts the big towel on me and rubs me all over. I like it when she rubs my butt. Oh, sorry . . . is that OK? Can I say butt?

Q. Describe your perfect day.

A. Momma gets up and she gives me a big bowl of my food. Then we go for a long walk. I find some good stuff to eat along the way, maybe like half a burger that someone threw out or something. No, wait, make it a whole burger! We come home and we have a nap together. Then we get up and Momma watches the box with the noises while I nap some more on the sofa next to her. Then we play some ball! She gives me a lot of treats all day long, just for no reason at all. Like, I don’t even have to Sit for them; she just gives them to me. Then we have dinner. She lets me have some stuff from her plate. Maybe she gives me her whole plate. Then we go for another walk and then we snuggle and go to sleep. Oh, and she gives me more treats before we go to sleep. I dream I am chasing squirrels. Squirrels that poop treats. Isn’t that a pawesome dream?! [Ears perk up.]

Q. Well, thanks for your time. You’ve been a very good boy. Here’s a treat.

[Grabs it and runs off. Doesn’t even say goodbye.]